A Love That Laughs by Ted Cunningham

Author:Ted Cunningham [Cunningham, Ted]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: RELIGION / Christian Living / Love & Marriage, FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Marriage & Long-Term Relationships
Publisher: Focus on the Family
Published: 2020-02-04T00:00:00+00:00

This is in contrast to what most people consider good listening skills. Most people believe good listeners . . .

remain silent when others are speaking

engage with nonverbals

repeat what others say word for word

Great listening requires more than silence, the occasional head nod, and a few words to show retention. Great listening requires emotional safety and what Dr. Sue Johnson calls “emotional responsiveness.”

Dr. Johnson, a clinical psychologist and author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, is quoted in Time magazine’s article titled “The Science behind Happy Relationships”:

The most important thing we’ve learned, the thing that totally stands out in all of the developmental psychology, social psychology and our lab’s work in the last 35 years is that the secret to loving relationships and to keeping them strong and vibrant over the years, to falling in love again and again, is emotional responsiveness.[2]

This is why quiet chuckles, secret smiles, subtle winks, quirky glances, and sweet little inside jokes add to this emotional bond and in the give-and-take of communication. Again, when Amy and I talk, it’s not just about interviewing one another for information. It’s about forming a deeper bond and building our shared sense of humor.

Amy and I took our annual abandon this year in Knoxville, Tennessee. One night after dinner, we walked back to the hotel and along the way passed a coffee shop hosting an open-mic stand-up comedy night. My wife lit up and said, “You should totally do this! Please?”

My immediate and final answer was, “No way!”

“Oh, come on, it will be hilarious,” she prodded.

“Yeah, for you,” I said.

We peered through the window and saw a young lady on stage telling jokes. There was no laughter, sounds, or expressions coming from the thirty people in the crowd. We saw lots of distracted, bored, watch-glancing, and scrolling listeners. This coffee shop may be the historical site where the term “tough crowd” originated.

It took me back to some tough speaking environments I have experienced in the past. People eating at fundraisers is a tough gig, especially when the dessert comes. No one pays attention to a speaker when tiramisu shows up. Monday morning church staff meeting after a busy, multi-service Sunday is another tough crowd. They’d rather have the day off.

Not that we should live for it, but preachers, teachers, speakers, and comedians do look for responsiveness in the crowd. Cues from the crowd let us know where people are at and what we can do to adjust our communication to engage them.

Your spouse wants to know you are tuned in and fully present. Dr. Johnson says, “The $99 million question in love is, ‘Are you there for me?’”[3] Our listening skills are a barometer of marital health. They let us know how the relationship is going.

Dr. Gary Smalley called this “emotional safety.” He taught me how to be a safe spouse. He shared with me, “Amy will automatically want to open up to you and share, if she knows you receive well. That is safety.

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